Regretful Steps
by YamiHaruko
Summary: Slowly. Wordlessly. He had nothing more to say. He had said everything clearly to her. He continued not able to look back. For if he did, his will would certainly shatter and he would run back to her fragile arms. Step by step. His mind echoed the words


Summary: Kenshin is having a hard time after leaving Kaoru. He is regretting his decision immensely but still strives to stick with it even though it causes both of them pain. However, if he were to stay it would even worse. Every rurouni must start to wander again and it was finally this one's time to do so. Song: My December by Linkin Park.

Dedication: Finally! Ok, this is for you, Jade. The long awaited fic I promised you. I hope this meets your standards and is to your liking. Sorry about not using the song you requested, but like I mentioned, that song was a bit hard to think up a story to since most of the lyrics had a lot of thought behind them. I suppose they just weren't blunt enough for my way, or rather level, of writing. So anyway, here we go…

Note: This songfic was a bit of a challenge. (Ok, after writing it, it was a real big challenge) The way I'm going to write it is that it's like a battle between Kenshin's heart and his mind. What he should do for the best of things and what he really wants to do as he betrays his heart's feelings. The chorus of the song is Kenshin's heart ("And I…" that's where the chorus starts). The verses are his mind. Do you follow that? Perhaps once you start reading it will make a little more sense. It's the classic battle between heart and mind. Anyway, enjoy and tell me what you think. This is my first Kenshin fic.

_Song lyrics_

'thoughts'

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Regretful Steps

Slowly. Wordlessly. He had nothing more to say. He had said everything clearly to her. He continued - not able to look back. For if he did, his will would certainly shatter and he would run back to her fragile arms. Step by step. His mind echoed the words he himself was having trouble believing. 'This is for the best.'

_This is my December  
This is my time of the year  
This is my December  
This is all so clear_

His head bent down as the clouds continually wept their sorrowful tears upon the earth. Was the sky crying for him? Or perhaps those were Kaoru's tears - the ones he refused to wipe away as he turned his back on her? Those sad drops of rain beat down on him as if a thousand needles were being dug into his skin. The quiet storm was only torturing him more, making him feel the pain she felt as he left. But the mind plays tricks like that in times of despair. There must be positives right? If not why would he leave her like that?

_This is my December  
This is my snow covered home  
This is my December  
This is me alone_

'But what are those positives?' He had let Kaoru go. Let his love go…In his mind he thought hard about his decision. 'If this one would have stayed with Miss Kaoru…if this one would have accepted that love…' The numb redhead moved on, dreaded step, by dreaded step… 'Only more pain would have come…This one had to chose the lesser of two evils.' But is leaving her what is best for her? How could he say such things to the woman he loved so dearly?

_And I...  
Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed  
And I...  
Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that_

Was he wrong? How could he really allow himself to walk away from her so easily? She was obviously in a lot of pain…perhaps there was some part of the situation he didn't analyze well enough. Could it be that this was actually for the worse?

_And I... _

_Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed  
And I...  
Take back all the things that I said to you_

The former battousai stopped in his tracks, not able to bring himself from his thoughts. 'Am I wrong?' He shook his head slightly, disregarding that nagging thought. He couldn't be wrong. This is what was for the best. 'Wasn't it?' he questioned himself. For some reason he wasn't able to shake the thought of regret from his conscious. He missed her…that was obvious. She was his home, his shelter. For once he could protect the woman he loved by staying be her side. Yet…for that same protection he turned away from that home, that shelter. That love. Why? For what purpose?

_And I'd give it all away  
Just to have somewhere to go to  
Give it all away  
To have someone to come home to_

'To protect her.' He repeated to himself and then started walking again. Painful step, by painful step. This was the only way. He didn't want to bring any more harm to the one he cared for so deeply. 'This is for the best.' His mind said trying to ease the pain in the samurai's chest.

_This is my December  
These are my snow covered dreams  
This is me pretending  
This is all I need_

But his heart fought back. His feelings fought back. 'This isn't right!' But Kenshin's mind continued to tell his feet to keep moving forward. He wouldn't allow his feelings to stop his decision. 'This is for the best.' He would no longer cause her any more pain. Put her in any more danger because of who he was. 'But you're hurting her right now! Putting her in danger right now because you aren't there!' his heart cried out.

_And I... _

_Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed  
And I... _

_Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that_

'No…she's better off without me!' his mind retorted. And this was how things went on, that is, until he was momentarily pulled away from the battle due to running into someone. "Oh, excuse me, miss." He looked down and saw a ribbon tying back black raven hair. … "Miss Kaoru?" The young woman looked up. "I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking where I was going!" She began picking up her basket, and the foods that were scattered about it due to the fall and then reached for her umbrella. Kenshin sighed, seeing he had mistaken the girl for Kaoru. He offered a hand down to her and helped her stand up. "This one is sorry also, Miss." And with that and a slight bow, Kenshin continued, agonizing step, by agonizing step. The woman looked on, seeing the redhead leave. "What a peculiar man." She paused. "His eyes….he looked as though he had tears in them…I wonder what happened." She watched Kenshin walk off a little longer and then finally turned with a swish of her long, dark hair and continued, keeping the umbrella steady above her.

_And I...  
Just wish that I didn't feel  
Like there was something I missed  
And I...  
Take back all the things that I said to you_

'Why did this one do that? That woman obviously could not have been Miss Kaoru.' He mentally slapped himself for his ignorance. After which he took a deep breath and sighed. 'Ridiculous. What stupid ignorance…' But the samurai was only fooling himself once again. In his heart he knew that his love for Kaoru would never fade. That walking away from her like this just to protect her was wrong. However his mind wouldn't allow him to turn around and go back to what he considered the happiest place in the world: at her side.

_And I'd give it all away  
Just to have somewhere to go too  
Give it all away  
To have someone to come home to_

Memories of the woman he loved flooded his mind like a tidal wave. His heart just wasn't ready to let go yet, and it was going to do everything possible to alter his mind's decision. 'You love her! Why are you hurting her this way!' It screamed out as it ached in pain. 'This is for the best.' He kept repeating the simple phrase to himself. But how could such a simple selection of words pain him so much? But he would not turn around. Kenshin refused to give in to the pain. Pain….this was how Kaoru was feeling also. And he was the cause.

_This is my December  
This is my time of the year  
This is my December  
This is all so clear_

Then,as ifall his defenses had shattered with that one thought, a single pure tear escaped from it's capture and slowly descended down the solemn face where it combined with the rain drops that were also making the plunge. Hers and his collided and merged one last time - becoming one, before plummeting to the moist ground and separating forever.

_And I'd give it all away...  
Just to have somewhere to go to  
Give it all away...  
To have someone to come home to_

He continued...regretful step, by regretful step.

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Ok, well that's that. Please review. I'd like some feedback considering this is my first Rurouni Kenshin fanfic. Thanks.


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